Posts Tagged With: Prayer

Starting Over

Elliot Birthday


There is a saying that goes something like this…. “We plan and God laughs.” Well, I do not know who said it or if that is exactly what was said, but that is the gist. And, that is about as true a statement as any I have ever heard. Today is my birthday and just like any other birthday, I am looking back and considering my life. Where did I go wrong? What did I do right? How do I want to see my life next year? In five years? In ten years?

This is a hard post to write. However, it has been a long time coming. I have been in a funk, so to speak, for the last year. Almost in mourning, but not quite. You see, I have too many blessings in my life to allow myself to fall into full-fledged outright depression-filled mourning. I am too much of a look-on-the-bright-side-every-cloud-has-a-silver-lining sort of girl.

Have I lost anyone special to me? No. How is the job situation? Still have one. Where is my life headed? Ah, there it is….. I just don’t know.

In January 2014, My Handy Man had back surgery and by June we knew it had failed. January 2015, he had shoulder surgery to fix a torn rotator cuff. As I am typing this, he is asleep on the couch and recovering from knee reconstruction surgery. No, he was not in some major car accident nor does he have some tragic disease that is affecting his joints. He was hurt in the military, then hurt some more when the military doctors did his first surgery, and is now having to be rebuilt. He has at least two more surgeries to look forward to, one on his ankle and another on his back. He hates it, I hate it for him, however that is the situation that we find ourselves in. On a bright side kind of note, he will be the bionic man once he is finished.

He is the sort of man who takes the good with the bad, does not complain too much, and in everything he does his very best. He will survive this and prosper, because that is who he is. And, failure is not an option for him. He was, is, and always will be my hero.

I have spent this year kind of lost and trying to survive as well. I detest seeing him in pain. I am a planner and I hate when plans do not come together like I had envisioned. I took a job that I thought was a dream job, one that would help us through this rough patch, and be good for us. I was wrong. Not on everything…. it does pay the bills and has helped us get by. However, that is about it. I am more stressed than I have ever been, I do not enjoy it at all, and I need to find another place for me. I will continue to be thankful for having the work though.

The funk or the mourning that I find myself in, is one of my own making. Well mostly, since neither one of us could have predicted that My Handy Man would have to have five surgeries over two and a half years. But I digress, the mourning comes as a result of plans or dreams not being fulfilled. By having an idea of where our life was headed and the reality of being on the cusp of seeing our dreams come true, and then having the rug pulled out from under us.

A lot of good things have happened to us over the past year and also a lot of not so good things. I know that if there was a room full of people and we all threw our problems into a pile in the center of the room, then I would more than likely reach back in to take my own problems out, rather than trade with anyone else for theirs. We have been to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. And right now, we are tired.

l403ab444-m0mBy this time, I thought we would have a growing homestead. Instead, we have a house in a subdivision. I am not complaining, because it is a beautiful house that keeps the rain off our heads. Still, it is not the dream place we had envisioned. I also thought our life would be simpler with less stress and less bills. Alternatively, we have more stress and bigger bills. Even so, we have managed to pay some nonsense debt off. My Handy Man was supposed to have a great job in the hospital where he makes good money and both of us would have plenty of free time to share with the other and build our homestead. According to his surgeon, he will not be released to go to work in the hospital ever. And still, awesome man that he is, My Handy Man started up his own business that he can do as he is able and he makes great money when he is able to work. And I know that the situation that we find ourselves in is not a permanent one, those dreams still may come true in time, but I also need to make peace with the fact that they may not. We may never be able to be full-time homesteaders, and I need to accept that and be okay with it. That does not mean that I will give up on that dream, I will just continue to live my life and putting one step in front of the other toward that goal. In the meantime though, I need to find myself moving toward other things that I long for and can achieve right now.

I have struggled where to go with this blog. In the beginning, I had envisioned a blog that would chronicle the passage from corporate world to homestead. And maybe it can still be that, in a big picture sort of way. I do not have to have the answer right away, I will figure out where I want to go with this thing. We still have many simple things that we love to do, besides the owning of an actual homestead, that I can blog about.

20141028_165737We are hunters and outdoor enthusiasts. We enjoy fishing, camping, hiking, and exploring. The thought of and the actual act of providing meat for our table stokes us.  And, then there is the preparing of said meat. We can also support our local farmers through farmers markets and such. And too, we can document the movement from convenience foods to homemade whole foods.  And as always, there is a lot to discuss about the preparation for another exciting hunting season. There are many aspects to being self-sufficient and the excursion toward a simpler existence that need to be documented. One day we may find ourselves on that homestead, but for right now it is the journey that counts for us. So I am changing the point of my blog because I cannot continue to mourn for what we have not yet achieved. Instead, I choose to focus on what is happening at this moment in time. I still have plenty of worthwhile things to say……

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Finding That Girl

“Life is complex. Each one of us must make his own path through life. There are no self-help manuals, no formulas, no easy answers. The right road for one is the wrong road for another…. The journey of life is not paved in blacktop; it is not brightly lit and it has no road signs. It is a rocky path through the wilderness.”- M. Scott Peck

 

 

new mexicoEver since I was around eleven or twelve, I have had this aspiration of living in the boondocks. I remember clearly exactly when that dream sparked to life. I grew up in the Four Corners of New Mexico. My childhood was filled with wide open spaces, big blue skies, and fresh clean air. I could go just about anywhere and do just about anything I wanted. There was always the threat of snakes, mountain lions, and other wild things, but that never held me back. I was essentially unafraid and completely able to spread my wings.

Anyway back to the dream, my grandparents had purchased quite a bit of land in Colorado. We used to go there to get firewood and while the adults were cutting logs, the children were free to play and explore as long as we did not wander off too far and we paid attention to our surroundings. Of course, we would go farther than we were supposed to and we did not pay any attention to the thought of said snakes, mountain lions, elk, or even bears. Even though we had seen firsthand when they happened to wander into town. Fear never crossed my mind, oh but freedom did! I did not recognize as a child that what I was feeling was freedom in its purest state, however that is exactly what it was.

pathOn the Colorado property, we found this old mill and it had been abandoned for a very long time. It was dilapidated and falling completely apart. From the sagging roof of the millhouse to the wheel so tilted that it looked as if it could topple from the slightest breeze, I thought it was beautiful! Of course, I HAD to go inside and explore it. My mother would have killed me if she only knew, but I absolutely could not stop myself. The floors were rotted through in places, so I picked my steps carefully. Dirt and leaves were everywhere, along with probably all manner of slithering, slinking things. I had no idea what it was once used to mill. All I knew was that this place was special as it had the power to fill me with wonder and make me hauntingly sad at the same time. To this day, whenever I pass an abandoned house or a falling down barn, I am instantly filled with the same sense of wonder and sadness. And, I always have to fight the urge to go inside and explore it!

At one point around about when I was eleven or twelve years old, my parents entertained the notion of moving up to the Colorado property. They even went so far as to ask us children what we thought about it. We would be living quite an isolated life and may even be unable to reach town once the roads become impassable in winter. We would have to become more self-sufficient. We would have to work. Hard. We would have to make sure we had enough food, firewood, and supplies necessary to survive a snowed in winter. To me, it sounded like the closest thing to Heaven on Earth!

colorado

 

For some reason or another, we did not get to move to the Colorado property. We moved to Texas instead just a few years later. And while we live in the “country”, we are still pretty close to town. No room for exploring or spreading my wings here, we are very conveniently located close to anything and everything. Moving to the Colorado property just never happened, but that burning desire of living a self-sustainable life never left me.

I wonder if that is the reason why now the only time I ever feel truly at peace is when we are hunting in the middle of Nowhere, Texas. Just My Handy Man, the kid, and me. When we are so far away from civilization that I can go for miles just seeing God’s creation and His creatures, I can breathe and relax. I can explore and be content again. I do not have to wear any makeup or spend time fixing my hair. I do not have to sit in endless, boring meetings or feel all closed up in a small office with one tiny little window. Nowhere, Texas is the only place that I can truly be myself. I can be me again!! I can be that girl who is unafraid to spread her wings and soar. That girl who feels freedom at its best. That girl who is completely at ease in her surroundings. freedom

I am really writing this because I need to remind myself. I need to remember who I am inside. I am not this corporate world version of myself. I am the other girl. The no makeup, no hairspray, outside-loving girl who once lived inside of me. The girl who only makes an appearance during hunting season.

I am writing this because My Handy Man and I have faced many obstacles over the past few months. We are facing these problems now, head on, and this too shall pass. It is like Murphy’s Law has taken up residence in our front yard right now. However, it has not been completely horrible as we had an outstanding hunting season and our life is full of many blessings! My Handy Man will be having surgery in a couple of weeks and we will press on. I have had many negative comments lately on my dream of living a different life. Things like “Raising chickens is too hard”, “Planting a garden is a waste of time”, or my favorite so far “Trying to move out of a corporate world into a self-reliant life is almost impossible and for people who want to move backward in life instead of forward.”

I just need to remind myself of that girl who is still alive somewhere inside of me. The one who dreams of wide open spaces, of having unclipped wings, and a life of true freedom with My Handy Man next to me. I needed to remember the girl who believes in herself, even when others do not.

Thanks for listening!

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Weathering The Storm

“Obstacles are put in our way to see if we really want something, or just thought we did.” -Author Unknown.

lightening

It has been almost six weeks since I have posted anything. Our life in the past six weeks has been anything but simple. It is a strange thing, but it seems that once one sets their mind to do something, that is when all these things begin popping up to try and throw one off course. Well, we have held steady and kept our eyes on the goal toward a simpler path, but the blogging had to take a back burner for a bit so we could set our feet on some solid ground. storm

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion for My Handy Man and myself. We have had to deal with a funeral, a wedding, some extended family who seem to want to have a Hatfield/McCoy feud over some stupid matter that should have been resolved with a quick “I’m sorry….Please forgive me…. I was wrong.” A hug and a kiss, and can’t we all just be friends. And as much as My Handy Man and I are bound and determined to stay out of it, it seems as if they are trying their hardest to get us to pick a side. We refuse, we are not becoming part of the problem, but a solution is definitely not clear to us at this point any way. We will just keep praying and hopefully they will listen to a Higher Power than us.

We have had another family member who tried to commit suicide and was placed in a mental hospital for a while. Thankfully, this family member was not successful in taking their life and is out now. I cannot imagine feeling that hopeless about a situation and I cannot say what this person was feeling or thinking at that time. I hope that this person realizes that suicide is not an option and if they reach out, they will always find my hand reaching back out to them. My prayer for this particular person is that they learn to face their problems head on. Life is not easy for anyone and it has not been so ever since the beginning of time.

My Handy Man has found out that he has gone from having a bulging disc to a ruptured disc in his back. He also has a torn rotator cuff in his shoulder. He will definitely be requiring surgery and we are currently awaiting a call for a consult with a surgeon. My Handy Man, in all his stubbornness, says that he refuses to have surgery until after hunting season ends! I love that obstinate man, but my prayer for him is that he makes wise choices and that he makes it through whatever medical procedure is deemed necessary with as quick a recovery as possible.

100_5346On a good note, we have snuck in a few hunting trips and have had a pretty successful season thus far. I will write about those in some future posts. We have a much needed hunting trip planned for this upcoming Thanksgiving holiday weekend. We need to get back out to the middle of nowhere and decompress. We need to be reminded of what we are struggling for and that it is really that important to us.

Better than that though, I have landed a job running my department at work. I have to say that God knows exactly what we need and His timing is impeccable. Just when things are looking impossible, He always provides a way. My prayer for this is that I can learn what I need to know quickly and do a good job for the people that have believed in me enough to give me this opportunity.

We may come in a little behind in our endeavors to live a self-sustained existence than what we first hoped for, but together we will keep on keeping on. Tractor

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